Yo Relatives

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Hah, alrighty boys and girls. Let's do this one the honor of becoming a Livejournal Entry. Because some have deemed the Bubonic Plague Luncheonette less than worthy of a read simply because it's not been linked to on their "Friends' Page." Crock, I say! Crock! Where else but here can you find the impeccable quality of writing, free of typos, poor grammar, and poorly-thought out emotional outbursts? No sir, you'll only find the most carefully thought-through outrages on these pages. Studies that rock the sociological foundations of contemporary culture! For instance:

There comes a point where hugging and kissing and schnuggling up to every last thing with a dick goes beyond the acceptable boundaries of friendly affection. People start to wonder. The Scientific Community (TM) begins investigations. Investigations that may soon be published in scientific journals of national import. Journals like the Bubonic Plague Luncheonette. And it is with great pleasure that we bring to you, in its first publishing,

SERIAL EXPERIMENTS LAID:
Our experiment begins with a Specimen A - a species of what we like to call, "a ho." Ho, in such a context is to be taken in its most negative and derogatory connotation. Contributions from independent scientific resources, observers, and field researchers have greatly advanced Serial Experiments Laid.

HYPOTHESIS:
We posed a hypothesis: Specimen A must actively cling to an object or person with the genetalia of a human male at all times lest dire consequences (defined in local slang to be "implosion") occurs. The role of said males by Specimen A is observed to be an emotional, social, academic, and general-purpose "accessory," "crutch," or "toy."
OBSERVATIONS:
Behavioral analysis of Specimen A would suggest excessive neediness and generally unacceptably vomit-inducing behavior. Specimen A has been observed on a regular basis to be climbing all over an ex-accessory, in the absence or otherwise unavailability of its present accessory. Said ex-accessory has already been claimed by another, and as such, the actions of Specimen A are not only deemed "ho-like" but socially unacceptable as well. Specimen A has also been observed on more than one occasion to continue to overaffectionately associate and actively seek out ex-accessories who are not only actively spoken for, but whose partners actively object to such activities. Quoth one participant in said study:
"What the fuck? You already have your own. Get away from mine, dammit."
It has further been observed that not only does Specimen A pay no attention to active social objections, Specimen A also seems to perpetually fail to consider the consequences that actions will result in. Seemingly overwhelmed by its own emotional upsettings, Specimen A failed to consider that the same actions that hurt it emotionally were the VERY SAME actions that would deeply hurt another (now former) member of its social group, *despite* the fact that they had had discussions over said topic MANY times and had bonded over comfort sessions. Quoth said former member, "fuck you, fuck you hard. Syphilis-driven dementia be upon you."
Detailed recollections of further examples of such irresponsibility can be found in the March chronicles of the Bubonic Plague Luncheonette. This pattern of action closely follows the Ne Winian Theory of Beta-Types, which states that members of said subgroup are often irresponsible, act without understanding a cause, and fail to follow through.
Atop all this, Specimen A has been known to suffer delusions of a feline nature, and thus often announces its presence with the cry of a cat in heat, accompanied by the expectation to be petted and treated in a catlike-fashion by persons owning human male genetalia.
ANALYSIS:
The trend observed in Specimen A's behavior has been the presence of persons owning human male genetalia. It is also observed that with each action, it seems that Specimen A is unable act independently in many social situations and absolutely requires validation from others in order for dire consequences not to occur. From this we can gather that the specific dire consequence will be implosion. The way we have arrived at this conclusion is through the observation of Specimen A's feline tendencies. From the Chicken Vindaloo edition of c00k1ng w17h h4xx0r, we understand that the most dire of consequences to befall a cat is that of implosion via microwaving. And thus, we have proven the hypothesis to be true, Specimen A will implode if it does not have an accessory with male genetalia.


You read it here, my friend and you heard it first from The Bubonic Plague Luncheonette, always on the cutting-edge of the scientific horizon.