Ubernerd Goes On Holiday: A Vacation Summary

Sonofabitch! Laptop ran out of juice in the midst of my composing my prose. Normally, I don't post the Plague in chunks, but after having lost an hour's worth of work, and moreover, since the entry I'm about to write is rather epic in length, I'm bringing it to you in hourly updated chunks progressing towards completion. Please bear with me. Once again, with feeling:
A Vacation Summary.
It seems that burning the midnight oil has paid off, as I managed to produce a fairly decent set of men's garb for my brother's trip to the faire today (even despite the subtle substitution of sweatpants for pantaloons, due to insufficient time and materials to construct an appropriate pair of man-pants). And while my wallet did take quite a large hit (splurged on a gorgeous leather belt for my brother and a lovely crystal liquor glass for myself), I did leave with a fairly bolstered ego, as I discovered that my renfaire mojo, in fact, still works. I'd gotten a little discouraged from my last trip to the renfaire, when I managed to marry only one pirate, but it seems that switching out my puffy white blouse for a plain black one seems to have done the trick rather nicely. Not only did the cute leathersmith's assistant remember me from last time (and chatted with me in passing about tying people up - always a pleasure), but I somehow also managed to get picked up by a rather fetching pirate in the midst of buckling his swash (where "buckling his swash" translates to "playing a naughty game of 'fool the peasants into thinking they've stepped in some imaginary horse dung' by gesturing at imaginary streaks on the ground"). I suppose it was one of those situations in which had I been single, I'dve probably invited one or both of them to come and enjoy the Guinness with me. And most probably gotten myself in a good deal of trouble, but then again, I probably would have also had a chapter in my life entitled "The Courtship of a Pirate," which I would have later marketed as a particularly vulgar yet charming animated series.
Suffice to say, after yet another greatly satisfying trip to the renfaire, here I sit, about to detail some of the highlights of my extra relaxing trip to Hawaii. We'll start with the airport:
The plane ride to Hawaii was fairly unremarkable - the number of squalling babies aboard the aircraft was mercifully lower than the usual number. When the beverage cart came by and asked "what do you want to drink?" I said "Pepto," though my brother tells me I did not say it loud enough and was thus ignored and handed a glass of orange juice. During the flight, my mother exhibited some serious ninja arithmetic skills, as she somehow managed to win the "Guess the Time We Pass the Halfway Point To Hawaii" game, despite being unconscious. My father insists that his math skills were responsible, as he filled out her form for her after all, but we all know better, and apparently, so did United Airlines, because they handed her the hard-won bottle of champagne upon landing.
The Coppertone Incident:
In preparation for our trip, my mother purchased a bottle of Coppertone Spray-On sunscreen. This sporty new lotion claimed to "adhere to the skin with an oil-free formula. Won't drip into eyes and sting." Of course, this particular oil-free substance seemed to leave a rather slippery residue around the top of the bottle nozzle, and not only two days after our arrival, did I manage to spray myself right in the eyes with said sunscreen. One moment, my brother requested I spray his back with sunscreen, the next, I found myself clawing at my eyes and mouthing off various profanities about the police as I discovered that the slippery residue had caused the nozzle on the bottle to slip and turn 180 degrees. It was the first time I'd ever felt like both the cop and the hippie at the same time, having just maced myself in the eyes with all the voracity of a patriotic republican riot patrolman. After 2 minutes of flushing my eyes of the waterproof formula, I swore off Coppertone for several days and was rewarded with clear vision and a peeling epidermal layer.
Adiaperatic Sea:
In the midst of our slovenliness and the quest to be lazy one day, my brother and I found ourselves putting off our daily swimming routine until the afternoon, in favor of getting more rest in the wee morning hours, and to catch an episode of South Park (which, coincidentally featured Cartman taking swimming lessons in a pool filled with first-graders who kept peeing in his path). However, we were amply punished for our sloth by a pool in which everbody and their mother (literally) had decided they were going to occupy over the course of the afternoon. At first, it didn't seem so bad, when only a few pimply teenagers were occupying the shallow end doing virtually nothing. The trickle of tanners and sunbathers, fresh from the beach, were only a mild impediment to swimming due to the fact that, while they demanded personal space, their perfectly tanned bodies didn't really require all that much personal space to begin with. The enormous family, complete with loud smelly children (that my brother speculated was Mormon due to the fact that they kept talking about Utah and the fact that all those children could not have come out of just one wife) would've done it, had we not been ironclad in our resolve to exercise and swim. However, the appearance of a woman and her "little angel" of a son was just enough to drive us out of the pool as soon as she lubed him up with sunscreen and it became apparent that they were going to take a dip with the kid still wearing his diaper. I suppose that "being immersed in a pool of water which at any moment could become the bombing grounds for somebody's uncontrolled loose bowels" was where my brother and I drew the line in terms of gambling, and so we decided to get out. From then on, we decided to stick with our plans of swimming in the morning, thus risking fewer diaper-children and their loud doting parents (who, presumably, would want to sleep in after a night of colicky unrest).

***WORK IN PROGRESS, MORE TO COME SHORTLY***