Sausage is Sausage

I'm amazed at the sheer volume of crap writing I can produce late at night when given a little cold medicine and a general direction. It bothers me how bimodal the stuff in the Plague is, though lately it's been pretty lopsided in terms of balancing out the emo-bullshit with the humor.

Enough is enough. It's high time I add a little awesome back into this thing to make it worth reading... because apparently, none of you lazy boobs clicked on the Rabbit Poo video link that I put up a couple weeks ago. That was a brilliant video - for shame that none of you commented on such a golden find.

I bought lunch from the vending machine just now. Let me tell you just how badly that is going. First off, I decided to mix things up a little bit my forgoing the safe option of the ham 'n cheese Hot Pocket because I saw a package that said "sausage and biscuits - 2 pack" for the same price and I was curious. I'd been wondering about it for the past month and a half, and that *should* have indicated to a normal person that maybe there was a reason why no one else had bought the sausage and biscuits - 2 pack. But not me. I love sausage. Every once in a while I forgo my primarily chicken & fish intake and indulge in a little junk meat because it just tastes so damn good (and let's face it folks, breakfast sausage is slummin' in the meat world). Besides, I was already buying lunch from a vending machine, might as well go all the way and try something new. This purchase wasn't exactly unfounded - at the last building we had a frozen-foods vending machine and the sausage egg 'n cheese biscuits were unexpectedly delicious.
I did however regret my purchase as soon as I pulled it out of the tray though. First of all, these sausage biscuits looked a whole lot bigger in the vending machine - these little buggers were awfully shriveled and small in person. They also lacked egg and cheese, which was disappointing but not a huge surprise for $1.75. The kicker though, were the microwaving instructions, which were vague at best. Step 1: Thaw biscuits completely. Step 2: Remove from wrapper. Step 3: microwave 2 biscuits at high power for 30 seconds. Biscuits should be wrapped in a napkin.

Naturally I thought step 1 implied shoving these things in the microwave and hitting "auto-defrost", except that step 2 implied that the wrapper wasn't microwaveable. What am I supposed to do with these things then? Sit on them? I don't know. I ended up removing them from their wrapper and defrosting them for a minute, which was probably a mistake because I skipped the napkin part for step 2, which was apparently crucial in the microwaving process. This omission turned the biscuits into sponges, and then to styrofoam during step 3.

In terms of taste, the sausage tastes like a cross-section of a dachshund and I think I just saw pink on the inside despite the package advertising that everything is "fully cooked." I feel as though I'm dissatisfied enough to demand my money back, although I don't know how to return the product now that I've eaten it all (I was HUNGRY, okay?)... no wait nevermind, I do - I suddenly have to go to the bathroom right now.

Further bulletins as events warrant.