I Have Bad Gas.

Here's a little story in the grand scheme of things that's light enough to be a tasty snack; definitely not too heavy, as seems to be the case with the remainder of all things in my life as of late.

I can't even begin to elaborate on the heartbreak that I am experiencing on so many different levels - family, friends, the light in my life grows dimmer and farther out of my reach: perhaps soon to be gone completely out of my life just as quickly as he came into it. Who knows? All magnificent things burn bright, only to burn out and fade away.

Instead, I will write about bad gas.

The other day I went into the CVS to pick up my monthly prescription. This was nothing out of the ordinary. However, this month, in addition to the usual purchase of cat treats and my pink pills, I was on the lookout for activated charcoal tablets.

You see, I have been doing a lot of fire eating lately - both performances and practice, and I had been told at this past Wildfire (which is a whole other story in and of itself) that perhaps the best thing a fire-eating performer can do for themselves to remove the white gas toxins from their body, is to take an activated charcoal tablet once they reach a certain level/volume of performing (this is especially relevant since I have been developing my repertoire of vapor tricks).

So there I was in the CVS pondering the natural supplements aisle. I had been told that charcoal tablets were easily found in any health food store, and yet there were no charcoal tablets to be seen. The holistic remedy display at the CVS was organized alphabetically, and then again grouped by remedy type: immunity boosting, hormonal therapy, etc. etc. Being unfamiliar with the exact function that activated charcoal tablets served in the holistic supplement world, I logically deduced from my dusty old banks of medical knowledge (ie whatever I learned from writing Hurl + Swirl's Hospital Mayhem Game) that it probably had something to do with detoxification (since charcoal is traditionally used in a stomach pump). Looking in the detox section, however, there were still no tablets to be seen. Finally, I had to ask. The clerk at the prescription counter very helpfully told me "oh it's in aisle 8, over near the antacids," to which I replied "oh cool, thanks!"

I looked and looked at the antacids, but I could not find the charcoal tabs. I looked for a good 5 minutes until I spied a bright pink box that my eyes had somehow avoided the first 20 passes over that shelf. There it was, on the Pepto-pink box in big bubble letters: Charco-Caps - NATURAL HOLISTIC REMEDY FOR FLATULENCE AND BAD GAS.

Awesome. What a discreet little piece of packaging. I took a box and thought to myself "I'll just carry it around with the back side facing out." No dice there, of course. Those Charco-guys thought of everything when it came to making the most embarrassing product packaging possible: on the back in big black letters read "WARNING: MAY CAUSE TEMPORARY DISCOLORATION OF STOOLS." Nice.

Going up to the counter to pay, I realized that the guys at CVS must think I am one of the grossest persons in the world: the only things I ever buy there are birth control pills, tampons, cat treats, and now apparently FART PILLS. One time I bought a tube of Monistat. I mean, the only thing I could do to make it worse at this point is by rounding it all out nicely with a water and vinegar douche. I thought at first I might try to explain, but in truth how contrived does it sound when you say to the clerk "oh, actually I'm taking these charcoal pills for detox purposes because I'm a fire eater." After some contemplation, I figured it's just not worth it, and I just paid for my fart pills and left, with as much of my dignity as I could manage intact.

So let that be a lesson to you fire-eaters out there. If you want to buy yourself some charcoal tabs, you have to pay the price.

Further bulletins as events warrant.