Glow

I promise everyone an explanation regarding the absence of the Plague for several weeks - the long post is in the works, I promise. But it is taking too long to write, and I fear that my glow shall subside as the week runs up, so I want to make a record of it here, so I will never forget. I might need it again someday, and it's something I want to carry with me.

Future self, who is reading this right now, probably clutching a bottle of DiSaronno, swearing, tear-soaked, and smoking a clove, I want you to remember that it IS possible to feel appreciated, wanted, valued, loved, respected, beautiful, desired, fun, talented, and above all, special to someone no matter what is going on in your lives, and no matter how short of a time you know you have to be together. Future-self, you hear this? I know you're probably reading this Plague entry right now because you've made yet another bad decision or pulled a crazy-bitch on someone that you wish you hadn't and are self-medicating your regrets in the usual fashion of drinking, crying, and going online to re-read all the Plague entries where you pissed on someone because it's funny and it makes you feel better. Whatever bullshit mess you've gotten into this time, I hope you came to this entry first. I hope you remember that party where you made that Good Decision (well, actually, it was two good decisions because the second one was not bringing that Burger King mask home with you). But especially remember the one really Good Decision. You know, that one.

I hope you remember that he sneaked in with you despite the 5 drunk assholes crashed out all over your living room floor and in the bar. Remember that your apartment was an utter shithole - a culmination of a month of being overworked and the loss of motivation to keep the place looking good for yourself because you never had company over - remember being embarrassed after the fact because you discovered later that his place is a million times cleaner than yours. Remember that he admitted later that he didn't care that your apartment was a pile of festering ass because he was in a really good mood when he came over and so the next time he showed up, he wasn't shocked. Remember that if a guy like that can keep his place beautiful and clean, that you can clean for yourself, because you deserve to not live in a hovel of gross. Remember how nice it felt when you actually did get off your ass and clean the place (not just for the movers who were coming in a few days, but because you thought he might be coming over after band practice on Wednesday night, and the place HAD to be nice because you wanted to show him you COULD be clean). Remember that it felt good even when you ended up going over to his place anyway. Clean your shit, Future-self. Keep it clean. For you - not just when guests are around to impress. It's nice, trust me. Past-self is sitting here right now in a cleaned apartment and it's awesome.

Remember to clean, but more importantly, remember to be kind. You were kind to him, and he appreciated it and he even said so. He told you you were so sweet and affectionate and wondered why you didn't have a million boyfriends. Keep in mind, Self, that you are usually an asshole to people because you don't want them to hurt you, but remember that this is what happens when you are kind. If you are kind and you are yourself, nothing but good can come of it. As of right now, he still thinks you are sweet and good. Don't piss on that - just remember how much it made him smile.

Oh, yeah, by the way, remember that smile too. Did you forget? Go find some pictures because it will make you glow. It's the one that he smiles when he forgets that he doesn't like the way his face looks when he does. Remember how much you made him smile in the two weeks you got to spend together. Not because you tried either - remember that it just came naturally, because you were you, and he thought you were really awesome - even with the asian and giant boobs aside. That's why he spent all of Sunday cuddling with you after staying over - it had been a long time since he'd done that with anyone. Remember that really sweet episode of the Simpsons you watched - the one where Moe falls in love with a midget. Incidentally, that was good Homer Simpson advice too: "if someone could love you like that, it means that someone else will again someday." Cartoon wisdom at its finest. Also recall that you HADN'T in fact seen every episode of South Park there was to see, and he picked a good one. Oh, I'm sorry, the answer is "NAGGERS". Genius. Recall that you both liked the same shows, and all you had to do was ask a question and not be afraid to admit your love of South Park.

Remember that the first thing he did when he went into your bedroom was sit down at your workshop and say "Oh wow! You have two sewing machines!" Wasn't it great that he wasn't lying about liking to sew, either? He really did make his own pants and they were really fucking cool. Remember the terry cloth stripes on the jeans? The BDU transplant? The animal pants? The fact that he knows what jersey knit is and that he can properly use a zigzag stitch on his machine? Remember when you were lying in bed really late that one night and you both came up with the idea of a terry cloth tuxedo and said it at the exact same time? I hope you help him make that... and that you follow up on your promise of teaching him how to work with patterns. Remember, the girl will be named Terry Cloth, and the twins will be named Terrence and Philip.

Recall how you discovered you both shared the same sense of chivalry: he offered to go pee on someone who was probably vomiting in your bathroom that first night he showed up and those 5 drunks were sleeping in your living room. He liked your sense of humor. You shared vomiting stories in bed that night. His are almost better than yours. Almost. Nothing will ever beat that time at The Field (well, I hope for your sake that you, Future-self, have not managed to top that).

Remember how despite all your poop jokes and your vomit jokes, he still couldn't get enough of you. Remember how awesome and intense it was every time. Remember that look on his face, remember his lips, his hands, everything about him. Remember he got you to stop hating facial hair. Remember that he thanked you for reminding him that was what sex was supposed to feel like. Remember that you felt the same way. It really is that much better when you really like someone... though it doesn't hurt when that someone is absolutely smoking hot. And a talented musician. And funny. And honest. And kind. And so much more. Remember that he was worth driving to and parking in Somerville for. Worth taking the walk of shame at 6:30 in the morning as you watched him speed past in a cab on the way to South Station on an early assignment for work, wishing all the while for just a few more serene hours of sleeping in his arms beneath a soft grey sheet in his air conditioned room. I hope you saved all those text messages he sent, always right after you kissed each other goodbye, or after hanging up the phone after saying goodnight. I hope you remember that "kiss" is really spelled "Kisssssssssss!" (though I bet that's easier to type on a phone with a QWERTY keypad). Remember that he would always call you when he said he would - remember you talked for hours on the phone like it was nothing. Remember how he quoted Cartman at you in unexpected ways.

Remember that his hair gave you hair envy, because his hair kicks ass... and he's not afraid to change it up all the time... and make ample use of product. You should remember that it's okay to do the same. He inspired you to go for it and make your whole head of hair nuclear red like you've always wanted to. Man you looked hot. It sure took long enough, didn't it? Aren't you glad you did it though? Hope you haven't forgetten how to dye hair fabulously - he's counting on it next time he goes out there to see you. And aren't you glad that you bought that awesome club shirt with the velvet burnout wings to wear to his show, even though it was overpriced? The hair and the shirt - that combo was irresistible. You should go for the back-tattoo you have always wanted also, if you have the chance. He likes it - it'll give him something to look at when... you know. Sometimes you deserve to look as good as you feel. I hope you still have that shirt, even if your hair isn't nuclear red, Future-self. He thought you were really cute, even before you thought you were.

Blackberry liked him too. She knows what's good for you, by the way. Remember you caught her spooned up on him after you got out of bed to tard farm all the drunkards out of your living room that morning? That hussy! Blackberry needs to get her own. He loved your cat too, by the way - remember she shared her mousie with him and they played fetch? That was so cute.

Remember he was good to your cat, good to your mind, your body, and your soul. Even though he knew you were leaving for Arizona in less than 2 weeks. No regrets. Only honesty, openness, and kindness. If you can find that once, just like Homer Simpson said, you can find it again. Remember that.

And if you are really still feeling like shit after reading and remembering all the good things about these past two amazing weeks, go into your "pictures" folder and look at the photo "Happy Monday, Kim.jpg" and think about underwear gnomes and Step 2. That'll make you smile. There, see? You're on your way to a cold shower already.

Remember these past two weeks, okay? Remember what it feels like to feel wonderful.

XOXOX,
Past-Self Who Learned What It Felt Like to Glow

P.S. And if he says he's coming out your way, make sure you remind him that it's Tucson, AZ, and not Austin, TX, or you'll have to drive over and pick his ass up.

Further bulletins as events warrant.