A Hole Divided

Well, after this weekend's semi-epic adventures, it's time to do the requisite introspection and contemplation on the results, and the way things occurred.
This is to say, of course, that while full of pithy wisdom and stories for a future date, epic adventures are rarely ever without loss and some form of division of the world in one way or another - whether that world be the world proper, or so microscopic that it merely encompasses the immediate world surrounding. The weekend's epic adventures, proved no less peppered with a touch of loss, which let me to come upon a realization.
The realization, I've found, is that "we just don't get along anymore." This "we" terminology, is really a term best left open-ended as it encompasses an appropriately large generalization. Forgetting the cases of singularity, and drama between separate individuals, the same case very much holds true on a larger level with respect to the groups who live together in my dorm. While I would be lying if I did not admit to contributing to the divide by choosing sides instead of remaining neutral, I think a great deal of the division itself could honestly be attributed to the law of entropy, as it applies to creating a group dynamic.
Now forgive me for the moment for waxing bullshittic, but a large part of me believes that in theory, all persons in general would like to get along, at least enough to reduce a level of social friction. I've seen it done - it's possible for folks to live in close quarters and still maintain group cohesion, at least to the point of remaining mostly quiet and civil. But the effort of maintaining a group dynamic for four years without rolling into an unstable regime of operation is distinctly immense, and the social engineering required to ensure continued harmonious living is of a skill level posessed by very few people these days.
And as a result... it ends up in an actively decomposing mess of social factions, all asserting their rights in piss-fightly manners, and compounding the damage that's been done to a single floor's social structure. I admit it, I'm a piss-fighter. I've been piss-fighting since the beginning of term, because, well... ultimately, I am a small and petty person. And I've given into the actions and temptations of that petty person inside me. Why? Because... I'm tired. It's no excuse at all to make, it's as good as saying "no one else tried, so why the hell should I?" But I cannot attribute my lack of attempts to bite down on my ugly tongue and endure holding my opinions silent to anything but for the fact that I've given up and given in to being the bad person that I knew I could easily slip into being. Just like everybody else. No one is a canonically "good" person, and that's a fact. The key in defining one's moral ground and standing is the way in which one remains above pettiness and piss-fighting for a cause one believes in. The moment a person gives in to the bickering, and gets emotionally involved is the moment in which she falls into the trap of becoming another of the "unwashed masses." And I won't do anything but admit that I've become one of those people.
It wasn't until I had a conversation with my drunken charge, Griffin, that I really and honestly learned how badly my anger-control devices have deteriorated. I never expected to learn about myself from a person so very similar in very many ways, but I suppose that does make all the difference in the world - if you're looking for help in only one place, you're never going to find the person that will make that change and breakthrough. But, as always, I digress.
The point of the matter is that by accident, and perhaps a little on purpose, I've discovered that I am an angry, angry person inclined to petty piss-fighting. But I can control it. And I will again, because I have someone who's done it before to help me figure out how to do it for myself.
And in so doing, I will extract myself from the problem, and remember that that, in itself, is good enough. While I can't change "the world," for all the definitions we have given it above, I can change myself. Maybe that's what I've been looking for all these years, and maybe I'm going to find it before I leave. "The world" will remain as prone to division as before, but at least I'll be able to say that I'm no longer part of the problem, and that in itself will be good enough for me.
I once told Carsten that I wished that I could pass through this life without touching the lives of anyone else, and merely take what I can learn and move on. While I can't bring back the friendships that I've disintegrated in the process of becoming part of the problem, I can at least ensure that the ones I have left will not go the way of the others. No more of this piss-fighting for me, no matter how the social structure falls apart. That is my ending to this weekend's epic adventure... I am done.

Further bulletins as events warrant