Dear Tom,

I think you might have fleas.
This is just a quick post letting you know that you might want to check your home, your hair, or any other belongings of yours that might be harboring any flesh-eating, bearers of uncontrollable itch. I used to think people were joking when they told me your house was a breeding ground for the plague. I was dubious when they described your "relaxed" attitude towards cleanliness. I didn't believe them even after I actually got to see the place and it was filled with mangy incontinent cats, an enormous handi-tard dog, and no floor. But this morning I checked myself, and I've got *another* little bug bite on my neck. The last two or three times you've slept over, I've found new bug bites. You might want to check your house for fleas.

Love,
Me

Further bulletins as events warrant.