"Where is the monkey? I feel like shooting something!"

ARRRR.
So much for getting to work early today. I hit every single motherfucking traffic light along the way. I can't believe this shit. I should have just gotten out of bed at 8:15 - I would have gotten here at the exact same fucking time. Losing 45 minutes of sleep makes me fucking CRANKY, especially since Tom insists on sleeping with the air conditioner on and the sound is reminiscent of punching out old ladies' teeth - I can't fucking sleep a wink!

I want a cannon strapped to my car. Then I could stick my head out the window like an angry pirate and say "YARRRR!!!" as I blast all those fucking cars off the road while my radio plays a jaunty sea shanty - the Ballad of Captain Edward "Butt Barnacle" Teach - and I wave my peg leg and hook hand at everyone. The only thing they'll see in my wake is the Jolly Roger flapping in the wind while my trusty shipmate Poopy the Parrot squawks profanities and brandishes his tiny cutlass. We'll cruise through traffic tipping over SUVs, because it's hard to see around them and they're always jacking on their brakes for no apparent reason. My ship will ride the wind! Along the way we'll stop off at some port island to pick up rum for the crew - because nothing takes its toll on morale like a heaping mug of sobriety.

"ARRR!" I will say to the shopkeep.
"May I see your ID?" he will reply.
"I be the captain and I need these forties, says I! I'm feared amongst the seven seas! My reputation extends far and wide."
"I'm sorry miss, but it's Massachusetts state law, anyone under 40 we card."
"WHAT BE THESE LAWS!" I'll say. "I needs no scuppering laws! I be a pirate, see? A freebooter if ye will. And by the hairs on me chest I swears I'll send ye to Davy Jones' locker!"
"Parlay! Parlay!"
"Better," says I. Arrrr!

Along the way, we will also stop at the Thai shop for tasty satay kebobs.
"Put 'er on here!" I'll say, extending my hook hand to the waitress.
"Excuse me?" she will reply.
"I says ye cooks the satay here right on me hook hand, fer ease of eating and driving with a hands-free device. Ye can't gets to be a pirate with as beauteous a ship as I if yer yakking on your cell phone all day long and not paying attention to the road. Me satay kebobs, if you please - I likes to eat and drive."
"Right away, miss."

And with my freebooted rum and a hookful of onions, chicken, and peanut sauce, I shall sail along the Burlington streets and beyond, the freedom of a pirate knows no bounds. Yarrr. I feel better now.

Further bulletins as events warrant.