Hot Fudge Sunday

I am nothing, if not productive these days, and since this past Sunday was my birthday, I felt that there was no better way to celebrate than to kick my productivity into full gear and enter my 25th year with an entirely made-over apartment. Therefore as a present to myself, I purchased the most effective, space-age-looking vacuuming apparatus that I could afford (at a steep discount thanks to my asian cheapness, I might add), and I finally completed my furniture-staining project after 3 long years of procrastination. However, while my birthday plans primarily revolved around home improvement and decoration, my cat seemed to have a different agenda in mind.

For my birthday, Blackberry gave me a special birthday-turd. It was super stinky and ultra-fresh. Right there on my bedroom floor at the foot of my bed. I stepped in it and it was soft, so I could definitely tell. She seemed very pleased with her gift. I thought to myself "Oho! It is my birthday so I will clean the living jesus out of this place while I have the armoire out of the way." So I got my spiffy and intimidating new vacuum cleaner and I started to clean. Whilst pushing the vacuum vigorously, I accidentally ran over the cat turd in the bedroom, and I heard a "schlooop" noise. Suddenly everything began to smell terrible.

"UHHHH?? What's going on?" I thought, because I was still trying to figure out this new piece of equipment. The smell started getting worse and so I put the vacuum upright and clicked it into place, which (as I figured out) redirected the flow of air from the bottom of the vacuum right up through the handle (because it detaches and turns into a mini hand vac). This turned out to be a bad move because basically, it caused the vacuum to aim the stank-air RIGHT INTO MY FACE. I was horrified. I turned the thing off and went to go eject the canister because I figured that's where the cat turd ended up, and much to my surprise, the canister was REALLY WARM. I guess one of the features of the Dyson cyclone technology is that the empty canister doubles as the heat sink for the motor that produces the massive vacuuming power; so basically, I was cooking up a hot fresh cat poop omelette first thing in the morning. Upon further examination and subsequent emptying of the canister, I found that there was not a single whole turd, but a powdery mist of turd particles that had been ground up in the fine metal mesh of the inner filter as the turd was going around in the cyclone. So, in the span of less than 24 hours of owning the thing, I have coated the inside of my BRAND NEW vacuum cleaner in the smell of concentrated ass. I can't vacuum now without filling the room with the odor of hot litterbox and ionized air; and I really hope to god that this smell goes away when the cat crap dries out and eventually flakes away over time. Otherwise, I'm going to have the Dyson Nobody Wants.

Further bulletins as events warrant.