Man Farts In Humidor, Thousands in Damage Possible

Employees of the Timbuktu Trading Outpost at Busch Gardens, Tampa reported to park security on March 28 that a distressing smell was seeping into the store and disrupting customers. Park security, concerned that the smell might indicate a major fuel or chemical leak, contacted local authorities who responded in riot gear and paddy wagons to "facilitate" crowd control. Upon further investigation, the smell was found to have been coming from the walk-in humidor located in the back of the store where, it seems, a store browser farted and quickly closed the glass doors behind him, trapping the fumes within long after the perpetrator was able to make his escape. Although no major injuries were reported, one officer on the scene was taken to the park's medical facilities to be treated for a minor concussion after passing out from the impact of the odor during the initial discovery and subsequently hitting his head on a portable shelf covered in stuffed lions and individual serving-sized packages of park peanuts.

Timbuktu Trading Outpost employee Habbib O'Reilly describes the smell as "tangy and horrifying. A heavy, full-bodied fart ripe with meaty undertones, an eggy bouquet, and complex finish, reminiscent of a Hardee's sausage-egg-and-cheese breakfast biscuit gone terribly awry."

While the exact extent of the damage is yet unknown, store owners estimate up to over $1000 in damaged cigars. "We don't know how many have soaked up the smell," states Fakour O'Grady of cigar forensics. "While the fart itself is long gone, and each cigar may be examined for odor, it is impossible to predict how many of these cigars have retained what we call 'fart particles', which will be re-released into the air and subsequently sucked into the lungs of an unsuspecting customer once the tobacco has been ignited." Of the 500 plus cigars contained in the affected humidor, roughly 150 of them are estimated to have been in the initial blast-cone radius of the deadly fart.

Police have no known whereabouts of the perpetrator of this crime, but thanks to testimonials from several key eyewitnesses, they were able to produce a composite sketch of the suspect, which can be viewed here. Local residents are asked to keep a lookout for a man in his late twenties to early thirties wearing a brown leather hat and glasses, who may possibly be looking for a trash can and a pack wet-wipes. The Bubonic Plague Luncheonette offers an anonymous tip hotline, which can be accessed by clicking on the "COMMENTS" link below.

Further bulletins as events warrant.