Let Me Tell You About My Grocery Bill

The other weekend, as I was driving the illustrious Ranson and myself over to Camp Marshall to staff for Legends, I was inspired by my good friend to stop at the Big Y to make a few purchases that he determined would be necessary for infecting the game with our particular brand of humor.

Thus I arrived at the campsite with a giant paper bag containing the following items: 5 boxes of Instant Pudding mix (3 of which were "chocolate", 2 of which were "pistachio, with nuts"), 1 bag of butterscotch chips, 1 giant bag of Tootsie Roll "Midgies", 1 box of Pillsbury milk chocolate brownie mix, and a single can of corn. I'm sure all of you know where this is going. Over the course of the weekend we were able to find a use for every item in said bag save that one lonely can of corn (which we decided against pouring into the giant pool of water in the epic waterfall adventure module after we were begged to go fix the leaks at 1 in the morning. Despite the confidence we might have had in our structural engineering, nothing is worse than being covered in a deluge of detergent-water and corn niblets in the event of a catastrophic plywood failure). Here is what we did with the items:

Sun-Ripened New Galen Mixed Field Browns - There's nothing better than a big bowl of cold pudding after running around all afternoon chasing "monsters" wearing rubber masks. Surely, we figured that an offer of "complimentary desserts" would be received well by our players and staff alike. Thus was born my new favorite pudding dessert: 3 heaping tablespoons of chocolate pudding mixed coarsely with 2 generous dollops of pistachio pudding (with nuts). Add butterscotch chips to the mix, give it a final stir, and voila! A delicious dessert with the aesthetic appeal of a bad bout with Mexican food. I personally had 5 bowls of the stuff because we were sadly unable to give a way a single freebie.

Tootsie-decor - Little-known fact: if you can't afford to buy Fimo, Sculpey, or any of those other expensive brands of modeling clay, Tootsie rolls microwaved for 5 seconds on high power make an excellent substitute. The only drawback is that they come in limited colors: mainly a rich nutty brown. However, unlike Fimo and Sculpey, Tootsie-decor is indeed edible, and there's no need to bake to harden your creations. By the end of the weekend, I'd managed to craft a Venus DiMilo from a handful of brown, and was respectfully dubbed "Poop-casso" by my ever-so-clever peers. Tootsies are excellent for adding that final touch of roleplay realism to that grilled cheese sandwich or bowl of burnt stew; after all, nothing says "the tavern apologizes for the rat infestation" like a tiny collection of brown dots delicately perched atop tuna on a hoagie bun.

Field Pies - Really, there's no need to explain this one. The only precaution I would note for aspiring dessert artists is that Pillsbury milk chocolate brownie mix is absolutely vile, and adding a hearty spoonful of Turkish coffee grounds and butterscotch chips doesn't make it any better. In fact, the fine-ground nature of the coffee causes it to burn, right around the cooking temperature for the brownie pile. I would highly recommend spending the extra 75 cents and purchasing a higher quality brand of mix for your "field pie".

All in all, we got a lot of mileage out of that one single bag of groceries. The only problem now, is that we need to somehow justify our misbehavior with the baked goods in order to get reimbursed...

Further bulletins as events warrant.