Augh! And You're Not Already Dead... How?

I'm suspicious of a great conspiracy involving my family and the asian mafia. I'm also suspicious of a plot to kill me. Call it a hunch - I can't decide which was the bigger tip-off, the constant burning irritation that comes from living at home and at my aunt's house, but especially at my aunt's house, or the fact that she's insisting on "cooking" vegetables tonight, in the way that I accidentally "cook" ICs sometimes when I'm running experiments at work. It's true, as I find the two processes to be extremely similar: first she takes the vegetables, and applies some sort of tool to them, much like the way I apply a soldering iron to my circuits; once she's finished with the tool application, she rinses the vegetables out in a corrosive concoction of bilge water, much akin to the base solution I wash off my boards with after applying flux; and now, she's doing some sort of heat-treatment to the poor vegetables, and I swear I smell something burning. Of course, the real reason I'm suspicious of a plot to kill me is the fact that this bilge-water of hers occupied the same bucket that contained soapy water and dirty food-encrusted dishes but ten minutes ago, right before she got home. To add to the mix, all this was being cooked in a sink that my uncle and I sprayed the shit out of with ant poison but fifteen minutes before she got home due to a serious ant invasion caused by her leaving out some juicy-looking empty styrofoam trays that once contained raw chicken.
It's a wonder to me how my uncle hasn't keeled over and died from her cooking yet, but I assume that this is but one of the poisons he's built up an immunity to as part of the asian mafia training. Aha! But now that I'm onto their tricky scheme, I'll be damned if I let asian propriety force me into ingesting toxins and otherwise certain doom!
I think tonight's the night for midnight ghetto-gourmet ramen.

Further bulletins as events warrant.