Congratulations Captain Dipshit, You've Discovered Causality.

Author's note: Today's Bubonic Plague Luncheonette originated as a bonus double-feature treat, as I wished to premiere my experimental entry "The Man on the Moon," but felt guilty for not leaving my readers with a nugget of "traditional homestyle Plague." However, I got far too carried away with writing the featurette, that I left no time to write up the main entry. Thus, in the same vein as Kill Bill, I shall split it into two parts, and release the featurette as today's entry. Stay tuned for more Plague)

Today's special featurette addresses a topic that I only recently realized required a fierce verbal beating in the Plague.
The population of rampant stupidity has increased tenfold since my first arrival upon collegiate soil. My dorm itself, is now full of some truly stupid people. While I've addressed many different aspects of this stupidity in the past, this particular dimension, I feel, is a trip into the uncharted waters of declaratives, which in the end does, in fact, tie back into the larger overarching theme of things, as it were.
It is true that "each and every person is unique and cannot be classified into one particularly generalized group to despise" (roughly quoted words of wisdom of a twinkie), and yet perhaps the easiest things to identify persons of a similiar nature by are the habits they share. Habits certainly say a lot about a person, which is often why it is customary to make statements such as "I dislike people who are phony," "I like folks who flush every time," and so on and so forth in order to convey one's values.
Thus, I shall now make the statement "I dislike people who make declarative statements, either about themselves, or about others, without giving a single thought as to whether or not anyone present appreciates it, or for that matter even gives a flying fuck." At this point, I highly suggest that readers evaluate whether or not they give such an aerodynamic act before commencing with further reading. No pressure here, or anything.
While making a very broad generalization, I would like to clarify by citing several very specific, very common examples, the first of which is the phrase, "hmm... I'm hungry. I should eat! Eating is good!" Congratulations, Sherlock, it's taken you approximately 19 years to finally begin to grasp what a good solid beating during your formative years ought to have taught you. Or at least, evolution should have bred into you (though, given surprising number of folks that I've seen survive to a ripe old age of 19 or 20 or so, it's clear that survival-of-the-fittest no longer plays any kind of role in terms of natural selection). And even then, it's truly the dumbest of blondes who consistently make this keen observation in the midst of large groups and gatherings, simply either to get attention, or to announce to the world that they have, in fact, actually remembered to attend to a basic living necessity. While it's often true that others in their presence will often chirp praise and agreement and say "good [insert name of offending imbecile here]" it so often induces an urge in me to say "actually, research has recently shown that eating is bad for anyone whose IQ is defined by the number of people they've screwed. I understand that you're attempting to increase this number rapidly, but the truth is, you're also being hurt by the fact that science has shown that breathing is bad for you too."
Come now, there's no other reason to announce this mountainous personal victory you've attained when you know that it's for more effective in terms of attention-getting to feign a level of neediness to the point that you need to be told to eat and spoon-fed by your boyfriend who doesn't know any better, or would probably say "if you fucking stopped whining for long enough to stuff that damn cry-hole of yours with some goddamn food, you'd be all set." Honestly, it's a shame that either so many people actually care, or more likely, are socially obligated to respond with encouragement, when in fact, this is one of those cases that clearly calls for negative feedback and reinforcement - much like a properly-built buffer. In this case, positive feedback merely fuels more and more idiocy, until the idiocy level rails - whereas a liberally applied dose of "congratulations Captain Dipshit, you've discovered causality!" followed by the firm application of a rolled-up Sunday paper or a 2-foot pork kielbasa whip ought to clear it up like a bad case of acne in no time.
Yet another classic offender in this same vein is the declaration "mmm... I should sleep. I've been up for [insert large number] hours." While, admittedly, most of the time, sleep-depravation is a way of life on college campuses, this trademarked phrase, so often uttered by both the justified and the fools alike, has become so misused that it, too, has earned a flavor of offensive. Allow me to provide examples in order to clarify: Student A, who has just miserably fouled up some type of lab-oriented project, and then pulls an all-nighter to rectify said failure, then stayed up after to finish up a weekly problem set is justified in making this statement. Student B, who has just miserably fouled up some type of relationship and goes on a misery-filled bender, only to run to class the next day and forgo sleep, is unjustified in making this statement, but at least has a good story to tell for it. Still, no sympathy there. Student C, who has just miserably fouled up some type of lab-oriented project and then pulls an all-nighter during which they decide not to go through with finishing the project and proceeds to stay up late socializing and feigning concentrated work, and then stays up later, with no sign of any kind of productivity whatsoever, is wholly unjustified in saying this, deserves no sympathy, and should therefore shut the hell up. Doubly so if Student C stays up even longer repeating this declaration until they are pitied and lovingly put to bed with hugs and kisses and baby powder and a fresh diaper to prevent seepage. Unless it's used in a manner in which to politely excuse oneself from the company of others, "mmm... I should sleep" is honestly nothing more than an irritating comment made in passing that no one cares about. Again, a little negative reinforcement wouldn't hurt here - I guarantee that one simple response of "mm... I should introduce you to the business end of my cheese grater when you try to get attention like that" will result the offender thinking twice before making another stupid announcement in order to get attention.
Of course, this doesn't naturally guarantee an environment in which people are given to thinking twice before acting, as, well, let's just face it, for the most part, many people are just fucking insensitive self-centered cock-bites by nature. How else would you explain an incident of a babbling blonde jackass busting into my room while I was in the middle of having some rare, scarce, and therefore precious "alone time" with my then-boyfriend, only to find myself a moment later watching as she pointed at him and physically jabbed and poked him and saying "YOU! You want to be in Pirates of Penzance!" What the bloody deuce? Firstly, just because my door is ajar doesn't mean that it's an open invitation for any mewling needy shithead to barge in and recruit for her fucker's frolick musical. You may be a casting manager for the Gilbert and Sullivan group, and you may be failing good and heartily at your job, but that's worth approximately jack and shit in my book. Hell, you could be the Pope finally delivering that mail-order absolution I ordered two months ago with my Mastercard and you still wouldn't be welcome in my room while I'm attempting to spend some private time with my significant other. The upshot of all this, is of course, besides the fact that personal time was not only spoiled but turned into dragging hours of hemorrhoidal-level inflammation due to the fact that not only did some irritating bitch barge into my room, but she began meowing and hugging and loudly begging my boyfriend to audition for her musical so it wouldn't be a failure. I'm telling you, no doctor's prescription is strong enough to hold up against the burning bitching and irritation of this kind of declarative "you should" statement. For many reasons that I'll certainly further address in my next Plague entry (an experimental work in progress entitled "The Man in the Moon"), I did not express the outrage I felt at the time, and with repeated performances of similar nature, which occurs to me that while it may not have saved our relationship in the long run, it sure would have saved me a lot of personal aggravation in the end. It is with true sincerity that I say "I wish I'd taken the leash off the vocabulary hounds a lot earlier in my life." It's really moments like these when you see a window into a someone's putrid festering cesspool of a soul (to exercise my Goth there) - some people really are so self-absorbed and self-centered that it really never occurs to them to think upon what consequences their actions might have upon others before acting in a way that directly benefits themselves. And in honesty, I used to wonder why people could be so horrible and cruel, but over the last few years of interacting with such truly special* people, I've really begun to understand that some people are simply incapable of compassion or empathy. Incidentally, dear readers, in case you've ever wondered why I harbor so much rage of a particular nature and have taken up DiSaronno like cough syrup, the frolicky-fuck described in the above paragraph and my then-boyfriend are now dating, and I'm sure both of them find me utterly vile, which really does make you wonder about the Circle of Crap being complete, doesn't it?
But naturally, as always, I digress. I suppose the real point of this entire Plague entry was, firstly, to use the title "Congratulations Captain Dipshit, You've Discovered Causality" (in the time-honored tradition of using titles I think of whilst on the can), and to point out to my readers that, yes, there really are people out there who are incapable of sympathy, empathy, compassion, and essentially anything falling under that which bears a certain selfless quality. A lot of it is emulated in the way they act, be it announcing to the world every last action they should perform, or regaling each unlucky victim they should happen upon with pointless boring stories of "how cool the mechanical engineering in the Segway is" (to which you're tempted to respond: http://www.maddox.xmission.com/c.cgi?u=segway_more_complicated_than_it_needs_to_be). While truly a sad thing to say, it's pretty hard to believe in the benevolence of human nature when you've got to watch out for every last person you meet secretly attempting to kick you in the crotch when you least expect it. And kick they shall - had I the metaphorical nuts to prove it, I'd be singing some permanent soprano. Yet, watch out for them, we must, and really, that's the hardest part about trust - I learned the hard way that having a small number of acquaintences you trust far exceeds the importance and benefits of having a large group of acquaintences you identify with. Real, honest, compassionate people are few and far between. Certainly, by no means, am I calling myself a saint and a model of honesty and compassion (come now, you're reading the Plague after all - my bombing-grounds for villifying everything that most folks hold dear - let's face it, I'm falling under the category of "damnably horrible person," myself) - I am, however, pointing out that there is a real, distinct difference between the people who will make a difference in people's lives, and the rest of the people, who are self-serving raging sycophants who either create a front of neediness for others to easily take care of, or feel justified in taking care of this apparently created need. In my experience, those who have shown me real, true compassion and selflessness have done so without ever wanting the glamour of being a servant of others, and have never taken, nor asked for the credit they deserve. They may not always have been "my knight in shining armor" and conveniently also the person whose pants I've been interested in getting in - more often, they're the people who do the serious, hard, emotional janitorial work that nobody wants to do, from unplugging my confidence latrines every time my academics go for a dive, to mopping up after a *really* bad bender and keeping quiet about it such as not to concern others.
And so, I suppose I shall end this wordy entry, which has unfortunately taken a turn for the preachy, with a salute to all the emotional janitors out there: it's an ugly job - nobody likes it, but if you're better than Mr. Muller, who used to mop off our cafeteria tables with the same mop he used to clean up the bathrooms, hallways, and even the sink that a 2nd grader once mistook for a commode, then you deserve some praise. I'll raise a mop to you. A plunger too, if I can find a clean one (after all, in some countries, a raised fouled plunger is second only to throwing down the gauntlet).

Further bulletins as events warrant.

____
*special as in education, not forces